morals on the line.

Lately I have been thinking thoughts that I am too embarrassed to even say full out onto this blog. A friend who is about to get married has been hanging out with me a lot lately and I have been feeling that thinsg might start veering in the wrong direction... leaving our relationship as a little more than friends. And the thing that disgusts me is that I can actually see myself falling into sin the whole situation being reality rather than just mere thought. And even after just thinking about it all, I dont really feel too guilty towards the fiance of the friend. its incredible how she trusts me so much, yet i am thinking such thoughts without feeling too much remorse. How far have i come from the days of innocence to even be caught here thinking the things that come into my head? Im just embarrassed that I would even have the possibility of doing such a dumb thing. Sitting in the car with him I realized how real this whole thing was and that i had a 95% chance of him actually going along with it if i initiated it. I am pretty sure that he wouldnt have the guts to actually follow through with it unless I gave him the 'okay' signal. Im really scared that something might actually happen and after it all... I will start to hate myself and regret the whole thing. Our friendship would most definitely change as well as my trust to be near him. How could i face his fiance and after the wedding, be able to be comfortable enough to look her in the eye. I know i dont feel remorse because I have only met her for about five minutes in total but after she moves down here and starts to be involved in my life, I dont know what i would expect to feel about her and myself. If such an event were to actually happen, I would question myself as a dignified person and I cant even imagine what I would do with myself. After all that I had learned and grown in with God, this is what it all comes down to? But even with these consequences, how could i even bear to think for a second that it would be something i could possibly go through with? I am so confused. my morals and thoughts are all in a mess.

ITS OVAHHHH

TODAY IS THE DAY MY PROBATION ENDSSSSSS!!!!
hallelujah. praise the Lord. Amen!

I never thought this day would come. Over $1000 spent on lawyer costs, the fine, gas to drive about 2.5 hrs for the court date, driving school, probation volunteer fees along with 150 hrs of community service within 4 months, and 6 months of a restricted license (not easy when you commute to school, work, and live in an area where driving=life). Its.... all... overrrrrr. I praise God who was with me every single step of the way. I learned so much from this experience. I realize my stupidity in the whole situation.... being a "good friend" and going out of my way to take time and money to do something that nice for a friend. Anyway... the past is the past and I am now changed through this. Thank you Lord for watching over me and calming me during the times I panicked and felt like the world around me was crashing. Only you are there for me.

Cornerstone Women

I am just exploding from smiles and excitement.

Tonight we had our very first Cornerstone Women's Small Group meeting. It was at Miriam's place at 8pm where we shared a little about ourselves through a few ice breakers. About six women came out (including myself) and we were all full of smiles to see each other. This is the very first women's group to be made in our KPCW EM due to the lack of women that are in our ministry. Coming from a male-dominant congregation, we all knew that the fact that this small group existed was a huge turning point in our ministry's history. I have never felt such excitement and joy coming from such a small group. I know that the Lord has incredible things planned for the women of God in our ministry and is going to work wonders with our hearts this year. I could feel the hunger for fellowship and growth exuding from our small gathering that I can't wait to see for what is to come.

Lord, use us. Only you can break us, mold us, and build us back up. Our hearts cry out to you, famished and thirsty. Only you can satisfy us.