im just a girl asking a boy... to love her.

our eyes meet in the bus.
your fingers touch mine to guide them
as they clumsily strum the strings.
sipping the drink you bought me
in the little coffee house across the street.
you smile, the skin around the corner of your eyes crinkle.
the sun and wind play with the wisps of your hair.
i feel your eyes on the curvature of my face,
i blush and look away from your all-knowing eyes.
everything felt surreal.
then
it all came to a sudden stop.
just the echoes of your messages that come to haunt me.
sitting here all alone, wondering
if everything had been a dream.


God, im so fckin sick of this feeling.....

fail.

although my room is rather small (because of my huge-mongous bed) there is this special spot that i always go to whenever i feel terrible. when everyone yells at me, or when my day couldn't get even more awful, i gravitate towards this spot and sit there for a few moments.... taking a couple of deep breaths or crying my eyes out, with a side of deep, tearful heaves.... i do whatever i need to do for that particular situation. this spot is the small space left between my bed and wall where i can just barely fit a bed-stand. i'm actually sitting here in that exact spot, leaning against the side of my bed, typing away at my computer.

as you may have guessed, something did in fact happen and im here for a reason. cutting to the chase, i did something very stupid, which was to sell a large vase of bamboo shoots for $5 at the flowershop. it had the "$5" sign on it and though i paused to think how strange it was for it to be sold that cheap, i went ahead and sold it. which later on resulted in a rather angry mother, yelling out all sorts of sharp words. anyway, more than an angry mom, whats worse is that im terribly angry at myself too. this event has clearly and bluntly justified all those years of me wondering, "am i stupid?" it may not be a big deal to you all but it is to me because of how much this stems and relates to the things i have experienced ever since i was little. even though i dont really know how much a bamboo shoot even costs, i should've known. as i recall, and agree, my mother yelling that i had absolutely no common sense and was an empty-headed fool, i just feel like i fail at life. talking to an ex-tutor, he even recalled me being a "slow to learn" student who always did the right things, but just took forever to solve things and understand. not even a week ago was my mother apologizing to me for all those times she had physically punished me as a child, and boy were there countless times. I even remember them as if they were yesterday. she said that she just didn't have the patience when she taught me with workbooks or listened to me practice my piano. she even mentioned how my younger brother seemed to catch on to things faster than i could. even when we were being punished, danny would quickly go up to his room to act like he was busy studying or reading while i would sit there mindlessly, not knowing what to do when my parents were mad.... bringing them to hit me more for being that stupid and clueless. in school, i tried so hard to get good grades, i even had tutors in spanish and trig, yet failed to bring home something better than a C. I even failed trig with a D. how dumb am i? in college.... its difficult to figure things out... whether it be reading the forms for different things like renewing my license to understanding what my biology103 textbook and powerpoint notes are trying to teach me. even with my Christian walk, its difficult for me to catch onto concepts and ideas in theology.

theres nothing i can do about this because it is who i am. God made me this way and i just need to deal with life the way i can.... but i do wonder why it is that i have to live like this. why did God make me this way?......

cant get enough.

breaking my heart over and over....
yet i keep coming back for more....

oh stupid me.