to do...

read

learn guitar

take ceramics/pottery class

dance lesson?

practice piano

exercise

sigh

lately i have been feeling God gently tugging at my heart. slowly am i starting to realize that i cant control my future and how my life will be run. trying to take it and push everything the way i want it only stresses myself out more than i already am. why do i continue to make things so much more difficult than it really is when all i have to do is surrender it all up to God Himself?

the other day i was reading a daily devotional on purity for young women and a quote was brought up by eliabeth elliott; "the world is full of noise. let us learn the art of silence, stillness, and solitude." constantly are we surrounded by noise, whether if we're in the car blasting the radio, in our houses with the tv on for background noise, or simply talking, talking, talking. we never  l i s t e n . sometimes instead of trying to talk to God during prayers, we need to sit there and listen. God may not say anything directly or have you her his booming voice from the clouds above but it is a good change in pace. give him the time and place to touch your heart.

some other quotes or verses i liked as i read on were...

-"the ones who does not love God does not know God, because God is love." (1 John 4:8 HCSB)

-"knowing God is self-control. self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness." (2 Peter 1:6 NLT)

"slowly and surely, we learn the great secret of life, which is to know God." (Oswald Chambers)

God, i pray that you take away my burdens and replace it with peace in my heart...

Realizing

i've learned so much about myself this year. after going to college, i feel like God has worked with me in so many ways through the people i've met and the struggles i've faced. for so long i've wondered what made me different from others. people say that God gives you a gift that is unlike others and for years i've wondered what that gift was. i feel that this year i've finally realized what it is. to explain simply, it is the ability to listen to those. its not just listening to whatever is coming out of a persons mouth, but to hear and understand what that person is going through and feeling. it has made me open my eyes to the different things people deal with, and how i perceive people in general. although its nice to know that people come to me for me to lend an ear and share their issues, moreover, its been amazing to hear and listen, growing from what i've heard and being able to process who i am as well. it may not be much, but i'd like to think its something!

on a different note, i hope (and pray to God) that i will never grow up to be like my mother. i swore as a kid that i would be nothing like her. i've been recently told that i've started to imitate certain characteristics of her, and that scares me out of my wits. my mother-like nagging, my expectations of people, and sometimes my temper.... im terrified.... help me God.

 

Gratitude

the simplest things are what make you realize how lucky you are to have the life you live today. many times i overlook the things God has given me, education, family, friends, a spiritual life with him...

going to work after church and coming home at around 9:30, i was exhausted from running around, on my feet and smiling in a gracious manner for more than 5 hours. my mom was home to greet me and whipped up some nehgmyun as i lay slumped on the couch. listening to her ramble on about how the house bible study went, i realized that no one in the world would love me as much as my own mother did. always hearing her nag and beat me down with her yelling before, it was always hard to see my mother as loving. but seeing her bent over the noodles in the sink, i saw her soft interior. my dad lets me do a lot of things on my own, trusting that i will make the best judgement i can possibly make. they both allow me to enjoy my youth, being free as a college student and always there when i need something. even being able to drive my own car is a gift and blessing. did i do something for me to gain these things? 

at service today (or actually yesterday), the sermon was focused on how God chose us, with predestination, chose those would be saved and those who wouldn't. it really caught me off guard because for the longest time, i believed that as children of God, we had the choice and freewill to have a relationship with Him. so instead of me choosing God, God chose me first. although this is a sorrowful fact about those who are lost, it is amazing and bone-chilling how I was chosen by God. how in the world was someone like myself chosen by God, Himself? the pastor went on to say that it isn't by what you have done to be chosen, but by God's own mercy. it is a tricky and difficult idea to struggle with, but definitely something that makes you think and wonder about who God is. 

meaningless?

what brings you happiness?

is it being ensured a high-paying, stable job? is it having a home with a four-door garage, indoor racquet-ball court, and outdoor pool complete with a slide from the second floor? is it having everyone know your name, and millions of friends on facebook?

as good ol' Solomon would say, "Meaningless! Meaningless!.... Utterly Meaningless! Everything is meaningless." (Ecclesiastes). He goes on to speak about how meaningless wisdom, pleasures, and toils are, and many times its really difficult to remember that in the materialistic and superficial world we live in today. 

why do we go always go to the mall when there seems to be nothing else to do? is there really nothing better for us to do than to spend money? do we really need to buy that scarf? it'll only add on to the collection of scarves we have stashed away in our closets. new shoes? new pants? new shirt? all will fade away into the past when the next season's fashion comes around. we get stuck in a cycle as the world keeps telling us that it is all worth investing our money and time in. slowly i am starting to see that many things in life truly do not matter. what matters is how you spend your time on earth glorifying God. We need to start having a mentality that is focused on spiritual hunger rather than worldly. will the newest Christian Louboutin heels get you into heaven? I think not.

just something i wanted to write about before i go off to work. 

boo.

Tick... Tock...

The longest day ever?.....

would have you spending

all day inside on a beautiful, 

sunny, and bright sunday

all for an 8 hour driver 

improvement clinic class, 

with one crazy anal

instructor who always wants

to win every argument.

Your Prime Time

so, its been a while since i first started this thing.... and yet nothing has been written on my blog. i just can't think of something decent to write about! well anyway, here is an attempt to blog about one of the many things i ponder about.

i keep looking up at the mirror next to me as i sit here in front of the computer. staring back at myself i see all the horrors that a lighted makeup mirror could bring. all those blackheads, random stands of random tiny hairs, blemishes, uneven skin tone.... and pleasant thoughts do not come to mind when i think of the rest of my body as a whole. i just recently looked through a magazine that featured faith hill on the cover, rocking her well-toned body in a tiny bikini at the age of 42 with 3 kids. if people consider your early 20s to be your prime, what does that say about my prime? If my prime time resembles what i look like these days, then i think im screwed. this depressed me quite a bit. what am i going to be like in my late 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s if i make it with the lifestyle i live now? after your early 20s, it gets all downhill from there. what do we doooooooooooooooooooooo???

i think i need to start off by caring more about what i put my body through. more control on the eating and exercising would definitely help. believe it or not, i often choose the medium rare cheeseburger with crispy french fries rather than a mixed green salad with only a light drizzle of balsamic vinegar. and maybe running around the neighborhood a few times a week would be good too, instead of always counting on lying on the floor promising myself that i won't eat so that i don't have to move to burn the extra calories.

a little spf wouldn't hurt either. you have no idea how much the sun can damage your skin. vitamin D and tanning to get that perfect sun-kissed glow maybe wonderful but at the cost of skin cancer? i think not.

i've never really found it all that important to go to the gym or care too much about eating and exercising. many of my friends who actually do these things do it because they feel pressured by things like SNSD and diet away their lives. i've always believed in living life to enjoy the things you have, not stressing over impressing others. but nowadays, i feel the need to care a little more and limit myself from happiness. but you know, in the end its all for the better and it glorifies God with the body he has given you.