Like mother, like daughter

I'm just like my mother. It hit me just recently after I was nagging my boyfriend about him eating pasta at 12:30am.

Me: "How could you eat pasta at this time?"
"That is such a huge bowl.... its almost 2 servings"
"Do you really need to eat like that? You're stuffing your mouth with it. Chew your food. It looks like you're not even waiting 3 seconds to put in the next bite"
"Remember this?" shows him a picture of himself (a much bigger version) a few years ago.

Him: .... "can't you just let me have this? I had a really rough day"
"i haven't done this in a long time. i always pack a sandwich everyday for lunch now and exercise more. its not like what I'm doing is that bad"

He sits there staring at the television screen. Clearly not interested in hearing anymore of my ranting.
Angry and frustrated that he isn't paying any attention to what I had to say, I signed off of the video chat. I sat there on my bed thinking, "why am I still so angry at him? i know what he did is not the end of the world but why do I still feel so annoyed?" After a minute or so, I went back online.

Me: "what would you say bothers you most?"
Him: "... what. Between you and me?"
rolling my eyes... "yes"

He sat quietly thinking... and sighed.
"The way you nag me all the time."
He went on to list some of the things he had problems with and finally said, "but I think what gets to me is how condescending you are towards me. Do you think of me as someone who can't do any right?"

With the question still lingering in the air, I had nothing to reply back as he paused to hear my answer. Why? Because all of the things he listed were true. I nag a lot, I always have something negative to say towards him, but most of all, I doubt him and think that a majority of his choices tend to be mistakes.

While fighting through the explanations I tried to bring forth that was a good enough reason for being so angry at him, something hit me. Who else had the same feelings towards another person? My mother felt those same things about my father. She never respected him. And now what has become of their relationship? A divorce in the making. I started to see that I had similar issues in my first relationship, but pushed them aside because I believed that it was the boyfriend that was the issue of my anger and irrational attitude. But in the end, everything points towards myself. Why do I demand such things and get angry whenever I don't get what I want from the other? I demand perfection, something no one can achieve.

I mirror my mother. Her attitude, behavior, and reasoning. Is a divorce also in my future?

when it all explodes in front of me, what am i to do..

I am...
Nervous.
Scared.
Worried.

Things are changing faster than I had realized. How could one simple night conversation lead to all this. Even if i had slightly anticipated all this... what good has it done me for me to be as confused and lost as ever? Its funny how it all works out. Once you end up actually being satisfied with that fact that you're single, God turns the tables and things are completely different so that you must once again adjust. Years before, I would have been thrilled by this. Yet amidst the happiness and flattery, I feel the burdens of worries and fear overcome it all. If we do end up in the relationship... what does it all mean? he's 26, I'm 20. He has a job, I'm still in school. Worry after worry fills my head, but why can't I simply lift this up to God? Has He not been the one to determine my future? Has He not been there all along through the hurt and joy?

I'm scared for what people will think. This is not the typical situation where I act absurd and others call me 'strange' but a whole new level of vulnerability. Never have I been one to go against the norm or involve myself in such a risky situation. Naked, I am for the world and society to judge and criticize me. "It's not a big deal" would be the words that come out of some mouths, yet this could not be a bigger deal for me. I am interested in building a stronger, more meaningful relationship with this man, yet am I ready for all that consequences that come with it? In a world filled with meaningless relationships and drives to quickly satisfy human desires, it is hard to want what God wants for us. Am I making a decision to enter a relationship that will build us both up in Christ? Or am I deceiving myself, saying that this relationship will be Christ-centered only to be consumed by my worldly wants for a boyfriend; to love and to be loved.

Lord, you were there from the beginning and still you stand by me.

morals on the line.

Lately I have been thinking thoughts that I am too embarrassed to even say full out onto this blog. A friend who is about to get married has been hanging out with me a lot lately and I have been feeling that thinsg might start veering in the wrong direction... leaving our relationship as a little more than friends. And the thing that disgusts me is that I can actually see myself falling into sin the whole situation being reality rather than just mere thought. And even after just thinking about it all, I dont really feel too guilty towards the fiance of the friend. its incredible how she trusts me so much, yet i am thinking such thoughts without feeling too much remorse. How far have i come from the days of innocence to even be caught here thinking the things that come into my head? Im just embarrassed that I would even have the possibility of doing such a dumb thing. Sitting in the car with him I realized how real this whole thing was and that i had a 95% chance of him actually going along with it if i initiated it. I am pretty sure that he wouldnt have the guts to actually follow through with it unless I gave him the 'okay' signal. Im really scared that something might actually happen and after it all... I will start to hate myself and regret the whole thing. Our friendship would most definitely change as well as my trust to be near him. How could i face his fiance and after the wedding, be able to be comfortable enough to look her in the eye. I know i dont feel remorse because I have only met her for about five minutes in total but after she moves down here and starts to be involved in my life, I dont know what i would expect to feel about her and myself. If such an event were to actually happen, I would question myself as a dignified person and I cant even imagine what I would do with myself. After all that I had learned and grown in with God, this is what it all comes down to? But even with these consequences, how could i even bear to think for a second that it would be something i could possibly go through with? I am so confused. my morals and thoughts are all in a mess.

ITS OVAHHHH

TODAY IS THE DAY MY PROBATION ENDSSSSSS!!!!
hallelujah. praise the Lord. Amen!

I never thought this day would come. Over $1000 spent on lawyer costs, the fine, gas to drive about 2.5 hrs for the court date, driving school, probation volunteer fees along with 150 hrs of community service within 4 months, and 6 months of a restricted license (not easy when you commute to school, work, and live in an area where driving=life). Its.... all... overrrrrr. I praise God who was with me every single step of the way. I learned so much from this experience. I realize my stupidity in the whole situation.... being a "good friend" and going out of my way to take time and money to do something that nice for a friend. Anyway... the past is the past and I am now changed through this. Thank you Lord for watching over me and calming me during the times I panicked and felt like the world around me was crashing. Only you are there for me.

Cornerstone Women

I am just exploding from smiles and excitement.

Tonight we had our very first Cornerstone Women's Small Group meeting. It was at Miriam's place at 8pm where we shared a little about ourselves through a few ice breakers. About six women came out (including myself) and we were all full of smiles to see each other. This is the very first women's group to be made in our KPCW EM due to the lack of women that are in our ministry. Coming from a male-dominant congregation, we all knew that the fact that this small group existed was a huge turning point in our ministry's history. I have never felt such excitement and joy coming from such a small group. I know that the Lord has incredible things planned for the women of God in our ministry and is going to work wonders with our hearts this year. I could feel the hunger for fellowship and growth exuding from our small gathering that I can't wait to see for what is to come.

Lord, use us. Only you can break us, mold us, and build us back up. Our hearts cry out to you, famished and thirsty. Only you can satisfy us.

hello broken heart.... back again so soon?

how in the world did i end up in this mess again?......
and even after thinking i was being so careful.
dumb naive and foolish.