i keep crying...
why do i keep crying?..
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
summer days flying away over the horizon
summer is starting to wind itself down, people are packing and moving back into their dorms, ordering their textbooks, and starting the school year afresh. though this summer, many college students would say, has been fairly uneventful, but i feel that i have learned and experienced much. along with all that i have gained, a couple of things have been happening lately and i've been feeling a little somber. things like friends moving away to hearts being broken slowly.
starting the new hostess job at Sweetwater Tavern, i was immensely excited and proud of myself for even landing the position (although i had applied as a waitress, not realistic, i know) but with all that training and learning for the job, i began to realize that this job would not be as easy as i had expected. guests all had different responses and expectations, it was difficult to cater to all of them and still be on top of the game. rushing around the restaurant, doing all that the managers demanded while juggling all that was a hostess' responsibility, everyone expected everyone else to have a cheerful smile and graceful response to everything while chaos flew at every direction. although it has been a few months into the job, none of this has changed. the people i work with, are another story in of itself. i do realize that everyone comes from different situations and backgrounds, but never had i felt so out of place. the term "lame," comes to play when i see myself in the midst of the hostessing team, let alone, the swt employees. after work, the little alliances formed during work lead to drunken nights or chances to get high with one another. i dont want to do what they do, but i hate feeling so boring and awkward. my coworkers, only a few years older, have kids already, many whom aren't even married. i have nothing against these people but joy is not what i feel when i think of when i come into work. "smile, why aren't you smiling?" is what i hear everyday. how in the hell do you expect someone to smile 24/7. stop making these stupid "contests" to see how many guests we can get to know on a personal basis. quit with the "plus ones" and for the love of God, let me do my job in peace. managers? don't give a crap about you unless their specific responsibilities deal with you. they could care less. i've realized from working at swt, that i do not fit in a position where millions of other employees work. being in a small, personal work group is my cup of tea. not a job where you have to introduce yourself to others multiple times because they cant remember due to the number of others that work there, or the fact that they just dont care enough to remember.
i've also learned that there is a line you need to keep for yourself when dealing with friends. through the reckless ticket, i've realized that i have crossed that line too many times, and now that it has come to bite me back in the ass, i've waken up to reality.... in the end, no one gives a rat's ass about you. doesn't matter how huge of a favor you do for someone b/c in the end they turn the other cheek when you're the one in trouble. anyway, i've come to respect my family more... which is my next point.
through the thick and thin, my family has been there for me. this sounds obvious and cliche but i dont care if it does because its true. watching my own father drive me down and back up from court for the ticket, i have seen his love. by my side as i cried, shaking from terror, he defended me and paid for my own stupidity without a complaint. he waited patiently for me to file my papers away with the lawyer and court services, offering to buy lunch. coming back down, he and i laughed about how foolish my younger brother and mother was and other stupid things. but he also opened up to me about his views on his marriage with my mother, and the things he thought about why certain things were the way they were. past his flaws as a father and husband, he is someone i love dearly. as well as my parents' individual characters, their marriage is slowly unfolding before my eyes, and has been over the years. hearing my mother's, and now my father's side, i am beginning to learn "what not to do" in a marriage. their mistakes are what i learn from. i dont personally see this as a bad thing, although i do feel pity and sadness for what they both feel. but both being as stubborn and bitter towards the other, i have learned much from them, despite the fact that they wouldn't really be proud of themselves.
i've also learned about boys this summer. how exciting. i have come to learn how fickle and quick-to-change they are in their hearts. even with the cream-of-the-crop to the lowest-of-lows, deep down, they are all the same. everyone of them. dont know what else to say, because its just a fact of life. anyway, i've learned to somewhat give up the plans of life to God rather than trying to get things to come out my way. (emphasis on try) if God wants it that way, so be it. honestly, not like i have a choice anyway. but overall, God knows whats best. but i decided and insisted on learning the hard way. in the end, again being hurt, only myself to blame.
predestination was also a huge thing i learned about. for years i was taught that God loved all. for years i thought that we, as individuals, had a choice to accept God. but i was wrong this whole time. God accepts and chooses US. we have such a self-righteous view of the relationship, that God loves us all, that he forgives us and will love us equally. wrong. God chooses who he loves, and chooses who he wants to save. why? i asked that many times and an a definite answer could not be given. but a guess could, and that was that in the end, it glorified God more when not all were saved. not understanding this and being shaken in what i had been taught for years, i saw this as selfish. now i see and realize that as people that were destined for Hell anyway, God was merciful enough to save some and that we must glorify and worship Him for all that He has done for us. this topic still does fascinate me and is confusing, but i must say that it is a huge step towards learning more about God. my new pastor is opening up those doors for me. i believe that God sent him for an important purpose and i see him as a good way of learning more. along with all that im learning and trying to sort into a way i can understand, i am also teaching sunday school for the children's ministry. its only been a few weeks and the kindergarten can be a handful but what a joy they are to see on a sunday morning. im still contemplating whether God wants me to be involved with youth group as well.... im glad i stayed with kpcw. wonder what more God has in store.
yesterday i went with sarah to tech. she moved in and got settled in and after spending the night and coming home today, i have finally realized that she is gone. maybe not gone from the face of the earth but gone from interacting in my daily life. this sadness is far more different than what i felt when i helped sumi move into jmu for the first time. this has had a bigger impact. i feel that sarah has taken a piece of my heart along with her. although i have to admit that she has gotten on my nerves a few times, but im sure i havent been easy to deal with. its just that she has understood my every feelings this year and listening to one another for about a year... she understands me the way no one else does. but what i dont really understand is why God put her in my life, and then took her away. i miss her terribly even though i can just call her. i've been on the edge of crying for these past few days but nothing has come yet. funny how when we first met, she thought i was a quiet dork and i thought she was a small meanie.... little did we know how much of an effect we would have on the other in less than a year. i miss her.
im very excited for this upcoming semester. i want to learn! i want to work hard and open myself to new things... new people. im growing different everyday.
im sure that theres much more that i've learned this summer but i cant really think of much more at this moment. my summer list has once more, failed. the only book i read was "the reader" and i've tried reading "catch-22" but its still difficult b/c of my short attention span (what ever happened to my love for reading constantly) and i have yet to learn the guitar (still want to learn it badly). but i have watched many different movies this summer and finally had my jaw surgery. my new hobby is star gazing.... i feel so small yet its an amazing thing that God created. never in a lifetime will i get sick of it. how amazing He truly is.
starting the new hostess job at Sweetwater Tavern, i was immensely excited and proud of myself for even landing the position (although i had applied as a waitress, not realistic, i know) but with all that training and learning for the job, i began to realize that this job would not be as easy as i had expected. guests all had different responses and expectations, it was difficult to cater to all of them and still be on top of the game. rushing around the restaurant, doing all that the managers demanded while juggling all that was a hostess' responsibility, everyone expected everyone else to have a cheerful smile and graceful response to everything while chaos flew at every direction. although it has been a few months into the job, none of this has changed. the people i work with, are another story in of itself. i do realize that everyone comes from different situations and backgrounds, but never had i felt so out of place. the term "lame," comes to play when i see myself in the midst of the hostessing team, let alone, the swt employees. after work, the little alliances formed during work lead to drunken nights or chances to get high with one another. i dont want to do what they do, but i hate feeling so boring and awkward. my coworkers, only a few years older, have kids already, many whom aren't even married. i have nothing against these people but joy is not what i feel when i think of when i come into work. "smile, why aren't you smiling?" is what i hear everyday. how in the hell do you expect someone to smile 24/7. stop making these stupid "contests" to see how many guests we can get to know on a personal basis. quit with the "plus ones" and for the love of God, let me do my job in peace. managers? don't give a crap about you unless their specific responsibilities deal with you. they could care less. i've realized from working at swt, that i do not fit in a position where millions of other employees work. being in a small, personal work group is my cup of tea. not a job where you have to introduce yourself to others multiple times because they cant remember due to the number of others that work there, or the fact that they just dont care enough to remember.
i've also learned that there is a line you need to keep for yourself when dealing with friends. through the reckless ticket, i've realized that i have crossed that line too many times, and now that it has come to bite me back in the ass, i've waken up to reality.... in the end, no one gives a rat's ass about you. doesn't matter how huge of a favor you do for someone b/c in the end they turn the other cheek when you're the one in trouble. anyway, i've come to respect my family more... which is my next point.
through the thick and thin, my family has been there for me. this sounds obvious and cliche but i dont care if it does because its true. watching my own father drive me down and back up from court for the ticket, i have seen his love. by my side as i cried, shaking from terror, he defended me and paid for my own stupidity without a complaint. he waited patiently for me to file my papers away with the lawyer and court services, offering to buy lunch. coming back down, he and i laughed about how foolish my younger brother and mother was and other stupid things. but he also opened up to me about his views on his marriage with my mother, and the things he thought about why certain things were the way they were. past his flaws as a father and husband, he is someone i love dearly. as well as my parents' individual characters, their marriage is slowly unfolding before my eyes, and has been over the years. hearing my mother's, and now my father's side, i am beginning to learn "what not to do" in a marriage. their mistakes are what i learn from. i dont personally see this as a bad thing, although i do feel pity and sadness for what they both feel. but both being as stubborn and bitter towards the other, i have learned much from them, despite the fact that they wouldn't really be proud of themselves.
i've also learned about boys this summer. how exciting. i have come to learn how fickle and quick-to-change they are in their hearts. even with the cream-of-the-crop to the lowest-of-lows, deep down, they are all the same. everyone of them. dont know what else to say, because its just a fact of life. anyway, i've learned to somewhat give up the plans of life to God rather than trying to get things to come out my way. (emphasis on try) if God wants it that way, so be it. honestly, not like i have a choice anyway. but overall, God knows whats best. but i decided and insisted on learning the hard way. in the end, again being hurt, only myself to blame.
predestination was also a huge thing i learned about. for years i was taught that God loved all. for years i thought that we, as individuals, had a choice to accept God. but i was wrong this whole time. God accepts and chooses US. we have such a self-righteous view of the relationship, that God loves us all, that he forgives us and will love us equally. wrong. God chooses who he loves, and chooses who he wants to save. why? i asked that many times and an a definite answer could not be given. but a guess could, and that was that in the end, it glorified God more when not all were saved. not understanding this and being shaken in what i had been taught for years, i saw this as selfish. now i see and realize that as people that were destined for Hell anyway, God was merciful enough to save some and that we must glorify and worship Him for all that He has done for us. this topic still does fascinate me and is confusing, but i must say that it is a huge step towards learning more about God. my new pastor is opening up those doors for me. i believe that God sent him for an important purpose and i see him as a good way of learning more. along with all that im learning and trying to sort into a way i can understand, i am also teaching sunday school for the children's ministry. its only been a few weeks and the kindergarten can be a handful but what a joy they are to see on a sunday morning. im still contemplating whether God wants me to be involved with youth group as well.... im glad i stayed with kpcw. wonder what more God has in store.
yesterday i went with sarah to tech. she moved in and got settled in and after spending the night and coming home today, i have finally realized that she is gone. maybe not gone from the face of the earth but gone from interacting in my daily life. this sadness is far more different than what i felt when i helped sumi move into jmu for the first time. this has had a bigger impact. i feel that sarah has taken a piece of my heart along with her. although i have to admit that she has gotten on my nerves a few times, but im sure i havent been easy to deal with. its just that she has understood my every feelings this year and listening to one another for about a year... she understands me the way no one else does. but what i dont really understand is why God put her in my life, and then took her away. i miss her terribly even though i can just call her. i've been on the edge of crying for these past few days but nothing has come yet. funny how when we first met, she thought i was a quiet dork and i thought she was a small meanie.... little did we know how much of an effect we would have on the other in less than a year. i miss her.
im very excited for this upcoming semester. i want to learn! i want to work hard and open myself to new things... new people. im growing different everyday.
im sure that theres much more that i've learned this summer but i cant really think of much more at this moment. my summer list has once more, failed. the only book i read was "the reader" and i've tried reading "catch-22" but its still difficult b/c of my short attention span (what ever happened to my love for reading constantly) and i have yet to learn the guitar (still want to learn it badly). but i have watched many different movies this summer and finally had my jaw surgery. my new hobby is star gazing.... i feel so small yet its an amazing thing that God created. never in a lifetime will i get sick of it. how amazing He truly is.
morning
sunrise
open my eyes
and i can tell it's gonna be a good day
i can tell it's gonna be a good day
-priscilla ahn
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Million Dollar Baby
i just watched this a few minutes ago... and i must say, it is one of the saddest movies i've ever seen. I saw a part of the movie a few years back and watching the whole thing finally, i can see why it was a big deal when it first came out. there is so much heartache and sorrow from this film, i couldnt help but cry a couple times (i dont normally cry much while watching things). it made me wonder though... if we are told that we will go straight to Hell for committing suicide... would what happened at the end be considered suicide and call for the same consequences? would it be a right way of living your life if you were prisoned in your own body, unable to move, breathe on your own... unable to do a single thing on your own? I dont know what i would do if were in Maggie's position. spend all of my life lying there waiting for my death, slowly dying... and killing the hearts of those around me? could i handle it? or would Hell be my other option?
sad but bittersweet ending, maybe? anyway... a very good film.
sad but bittersweet ending, maybe? anyway... a very good film.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
HALLELUJAH!
so yesterday... D-Day... which is finally over! thank the LORD!
so my dad and i left the house at 6:30am and arrived at Staunton, VA at around 8:30am. we were to meet my lawyer at 9:30 and my court time was at 10:30. we had some time before the actual thing started so my dad drove around downtown for 15min. the town was tiny but very quaint. the buildings looked nice but i would say only so because this town probably because of all the money they make off of speeding tickets. (darn them) anyway i was super sick to my stomach and felt like vomiting every time i thought of standing in front of the court... which was often. nervous and shaking i finally sat in one of the benches waiting for my case to be heard. it felt like a million years had passed when i finally heard my name called. i was incredibly quiet when speaking, i couldnt bring myself to speak any louder b/c i was so terrified. they were asking questions and all looking at me, i started to feel the tears brimming in my eyes as i spoke, trembling in my shoes. i couldnt help but cry, and every second those tears dropped, i cursed myself for looking like such a baby and a wimp. i felt embarrassed but nothing could've stopped me. they discussed how they could give me 30 days in jail but the cop wanted 15 days of jail time, a fine of $1500, and a suspended license. my lawyer asked for a lesser charge and the judge finally concluded my sentence to a fine of $571 (amazingly low), 150 hours of community service (limited choices), and a 6-month restricted license (only from and to work, school, medical). i praise God and am SO thankful for all those who prayed for me. God is great.
when i got home which was 4:30pm, my dad and i passed out... me from exhaustion of stress and nerves, him from driving and worry. now i am very limited in my schedule and have been reduced to a high-school student with no license. but overall, i am grateful.
*p.s. random note, baking blogs are incredible... not to mention the cupcake ones. <3
so my dad and i left the house at 6:30am and arrived at Staunton, VA at around 8:30am. we were to meet my lawyer at 9:30 and my court time was at 10:30. we had some time before the actual thing started so my dad drove around downtown for 15min. the town was tiny but very quaint. the buildings looked nice but i would say only so because this town probably because of all the money they make off of speeding tickets. (darn them) anyway i was super sick to my stomach and felt like vomiting every time i thought of standing in front of the court... which was often. nervous and shaking i finally sat in one of the benches waiting for my case to be heard. it felt like a million years had passed when i finally heard my name called. i was incredibly quiet when speaking, i couldnt bring myself to speak any louder b/c i was so terrified. they were asking questions and all looking at me, i started to feel the tears brimming in my eyes as i spoke, trembling in my shoes. i couldnt help but cry, and every second those tears dropped, i cursed myself for looking like such a baby and a wimp. i felt embarrassed but nothing could've stopped me. they discussed how they could give me 30 days in jail but the cop wanted 15 days of jail time, a fine of $1500, and a suspended license. my lawyer asked for a lesser charge and the judge finally concluded my sentence to a fine of $571 (amazingly low), 150 hours of community service (limited choices), and a 6-month restricted license (only from and to work, school, medical). i praise God and am SO thankful for all those who prayed for me. God is great.
when i got home which was 4:30pm, my dad and i passed out... me from exhaustion of stress and nerves, him from driving and worry. now i am very limited in my schedule and have been reduced to a high-school student with no license. but overall, i am grateful.
*p.s. random note, baking blogs are incredible... not to mention the cupcake ones. <3
Thursday, August 6, 2009
its finally here...
i am incredibly stressed and scared right now. today i have a court appearance in augusta county for a speeding violation of wreckless driving. never in my life have i been this terrified. i keep wanting to cry and hide in a corner like a baby. but it wont help of course. my lawyer keeps saying how there is a high possibility that i may spend a few days in jail. JAIL. not to mention that my lawyer is somewhat of a dumbass from the few times i've talked to her on the phone as well as the insanely high fee charged along with a very likely suspended liscense. are you joking? please tell me you are. i dont know what to expect. i acknowledge and am fully aware of how terrible my offense was and am forever changed b/c of the consequences and experiences i have faced through this all. i fear speeding now. but none of it matters. nothing i feel right now or have changed really matters in fact. i know God is watching over me but i cant help but fear the worst.
today is finally here. God, i beg of you, please be with me.
today is finally here. God, i beg of you, please be with me.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
beauty
ever since i was a little girl, i've always seen everyone as beautiful. thin, thick, petite, plus-size, blonde, brunette, redhead, green, blue, hazel eyes.... everything had a unique elegance and appeal to me. its funny how much i adore and marvel over the appearance of others while i find myself to be boring, curve-less, chubby, and just "blah." but thats just how my mind works.
a friend commented on how weird it was that i enjoyed "people watching." i love watching people in-the-act and totally and utterly unaware of being considered the focus of my attention. the way people move, with grace or clumsiness; walk, strut or glide; different mannerisms, the biting of the nails, the constant tucking back the hair behind the ear... i may be considered "creepy" or a freak for watching and enjoying seeing normal, everyday things... but it fascinates and catches my interest. i especially enjoy watching women. the female form has always been something i've admired. no matter what body type... the curves, lines, and physique is something to be appreciated. the tangle of hair, the fluttering eyelashes, pink lips, rosy cheeks, soft tender skin.... i really do think God made a work of art.
a friend commented on how weird it was that i enjoyed "people watching." i love watching people in-the-act and totally and utterly unaware of being considered the focus of my attention. the way people move, with grace or clumsiness; walk, strut or glide; different mannerisms, the biting of the nails, the constant tucking back the hair behind the ear... i may be considered "creepy" or a freak for watching and enjoying seeing normal, everyday things... but it fascinates and catches my interest. i especially enjoy watching women. the female form has always been something i've admired. no matter what body type... the curves, lines, and physique is something to be appreciated. the tangle of hair, the fluttering eyelashes, pink lips, rosy cheeks, soft tender skin.... i really do think God made a work of art.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
so excited!
so today.... or yesterday night,
one of my best friends began a relationship!!!
i dont know why but i am uber excited. hahaha
so lame and dorky and no idea why but im so
hyped. its amazingly cute and i know this guy
will treat her well. ahaha sighhhhhhhhh....
i realize that i sound a bit crazy right now.
i mean... im not even the one in the relationship.
haha but it doesnt matter. :O) oh so cute!
and she said this to me a little earlier...
"although i am 'going out' with him, doesn't
mean i love you any less. i love you more than
i can love him or like him for this case
sigh... this made my heart happy. i am content
with where this is all going. :) may God bless
their new relationship...
i do realize how pointless and boring this post
is but i dont care! :D
one of my best friends began a relationship!!!
i dont know why but i am uber excited. hahaha
so lame and dorky and no idea why but im so
hyped. its amazingly cute and i know this guy
will treat her well. ahaha sighhhhhhhhh....
i realize that i sound a bit crazy right now.
i mean... im not even the one in the relationship.
haha but it doesnt matter. :O) oh so cute!
and she said this to me a little earlier...
"although i am 'going out' with him, doesn't
mean i love you any less. i love you more than
i can love him or like him for this case
HAHAHAHA"
sigh... this made my heart happy. i am content
with where this is all going. :) may God bless
their new relationship...
i do realize how pointless and boring this post
is but i dont care! :D
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