our eyes meet in the bus.
your fingers touch mine to guide them
as they clumsily strum the strings.
sipping the drink you bought me
in the little coffee house across the street.
you smile, the skin around the corner of your eyes crinkle.
the sun and wind play with the wisps of your hair.
i feel your eyes on the curvature of my face,
i blush and look away from your all-knowing eyes.
everything felt surreal.
then
it all came to a sudden stop.
just the echoes of your messages that come to haunt me.
sitting here all alone, wondering
if everything had been a dream.
God, im so fckin sick of this feeling.....
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
fail.
although my room is rather small (because of my huge-mongous bed) there is this special spot that i always go to whenever i feel terrible. when everyone yells at me, or when my day couldn't get even more awful, i gravitate towards this spot and sit there for a few moments.... taking a couple of deep breaths or crying my eyes out, with a side of deep, tearful heaves.... i do whatever i need to do for that particular situation. this spot is the small space left between my bed and wall where i can just barely fit a bed-stand. i'm actually sitting here in that exact spot, leaning against the side of my bed, typing away at my computer.
as you may have guessed, something did in fact happen and im here for a reason. cutting to the chase, i did something very stupid, which was to sell a large vase of bamboo shoots for $5 at the flowershop. it had the "$5" sign on it and though i paused to think how strange it was for it to be sold that cheap, i went ahead and sold it. which later on resulted in a rather angry mother, yelling out all sorts of sharp words. anyway, more than an angry mom, whats worse is that im terribly angry at myself too. this event has clearly and bluntly justified all those years of me wondering, "am i stupid?" it may not be a big deal to you all but it is to me because of how much this stems and relates to the things i have experienced ever since i was little. even though i dont really know how much a bamboo shoot even costs, i should've known. as i recall, and agree, my mother yelling that i had absolutely no common sense and was an empty-headed fool, i just feel like i fail at life. talking to an ex-tutor, he even recalled me being a "slow to learn" student who always did the right things, but just took forever to solve things and understand. not even a week ago was my mother apologizing to me for all those times she had physically punished me as a child, and boy were there countless times. I even remember them as if they were yesterday. she said that she just didn't have the patience when she taught me with workbooks or listened to me practice my piano. she even mentioned how my younger brother seemed to catch on to things faster than i could. even when we were being punished, danny would quickly go up to his room to act like he was busy studying or reading while i would sit there mindlessly, not knowing what to do when my parents were mad.... bringing them to hit me more for being that stupid and clueless. in school, i tried so hard to get good grades, i even had tutors in spanish and trig, yet failed to bring home something better than a C. I even failed trig with a D. how dumb am i? in college.... its difficult to figure things out... whether it be reading the forms for different things like renewing my license to understanding what my biology103 textbook and powerpoint notes are trying to teach me. even with my Christian walk, its difficult for me to catch onto concepts and ideas in theology.
theres nothing i can do about this because it is who i am. God made me this way and i just need to deal with life the way i can.... but i do wonder why it is that i have to live like this. why did God make me this way?......
as you may have guessed, something did in fact happen and im here for a reason. cutting to the chase, i did something very stupid, which was to sell a large vase of bamboo shoots for $5 at the flowershop. it had the "$5" sign on it and though i paused to think how strange it was for it to be sold that cheap, i went ahead and sold it. which later on resulted in a rather angry mother, yelling out all sorts of sharp words. anyway, more than an angry mom, whats worse is that im terribly angry at myself too. this event has clearly and bluntly justified all those years of me wondering, "am i stupid?" it may not be a big deal to you all but it is to me because of how much this stems and relates to the things i have experienced ever since i was little. even though i dont really know how much a bamboo shoot even costs, i should've known. as i recall, and agree, my mother yelling that i had absolutely no common sense and was an empty-headed fool, i just feel like i fail at life. talking to an ex-tutor, he even recalled me being a "slow to learn" student who always did the right things, but just took forever to solve things and understand. not even a week ago was my mother apologizing to me for all those times she had physically punished me as a child, and boy were there countless times. I even remember them as if they were yesterday. she said that she just didn't have the patience when she taught me with workbooks or listened to me practice my piano. she even mentioned how my younger brother seemed to catch on to things faster than i could. even when we were being punished, danny would quickly go up to his room to act like he was busy studying or reading while i would sit there mindlessly, not knowing what to do when my parents were mad.... bringing them to hit me more for being that stupid and clueless. in school, i tried so hard to get good grades, i even had tutors in spanish and trig, yet failed to bring home something better than a C. I even failed trig with a D. how dumb am i? in college.... its difficult to figure things out... whether it be reading the forms for different things like renewing my license to understanding what my biology103 textbook and powerpoint notes are trying to teach me. even with my Christian walk, its difficult for me to catch onto concepts and ideas in theology.
theres nothing i can do about this because it is who i am. God made me this way and i just need to deal with life the way i can.... but i do wonder why it is that i have to live like this. why did God make me this way?......
Sunday, September 6, 2009
cant get enough.
breaking my heart over and over....
yet i keep coming back for more....
oh stupid me.
yet i keep coming back for more....
oh stupid me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
summer days flying away over the horizon
summer is starting to wind itself down, people are packing and moving back into their dorms, ordering their textbooks, and starting the school year afresh. though this summer, many college students would say, has been fairly uneventful, but i feel that i have learned and experienced much. along with all that i have gained, a couple of things have been happening lately and i've been feeling a little somber. things like friends moving away to hearts being broken slowly.
starting the new hostess job at Sweetwater Tavern, i was immensely excited and proud of myself for even landing the position (although i had applied as a waitress, not realistic, i know) but with all that training and learning for the job, i began to realize that this job would not be as easy as i had expected. guests all had different responses and expectations, it was difficult to cater to all of them and still be on top of the game. rushing around the restaurant, doing all that the managers demanded while juggling all that was a hostess' responsibility, everyone expected everyone else to have a cheerful smile and graceful response to everything while chaos flew at every direction. although it has been a few months into the job, none of this has changed. the people i work with, are another story in of itself. i do realize that everyone comes from different situations and backgrounds, but never had i felt so out of place. the term "lame," comes to play when i see myself in the midst of the hostessing team, let alone, the swt employees. after work, the little alliances formed during work lead to drunken nights or chances to get high with one another. i dont want to do what they do, but i hate feeling so boring and awkward. my coworkers, only a few years older, have kids already, many whom aren't even married. i have nothing against these people but joy is not what i feel when i think of when i come into work. "smile, why aren't you smiling?" is what i hear everyday. how in the hell do you expect someone to smile 24/7. stop making these stupid "contests" to see how many guests we can get to know on a personal basis. quit with the "plus ones" and for the love of God, let me do my job in peace. managers? don't give a crap about you unless their specific responsibilities deal with you. they could care less. i've realized from working at swt, that i do not fit in a position where millions of other employees work. being in a small, personal work group is my cup of tea. not a job where you have to introduce yourself to others multiple times because they cant remember due to the number of others that work there, or the fact that they just dont care enough to remember.
i've also learned that there is a line you need to keep for yourself when dealing with friends. through the reckless ticket, i've realized that i have crossed that line too many times, and now that it has come to bite me back in the ass, i've waken up to reality.... in the end, no one gives a rat's ass about you. doesn't matter how huge of a favor you do for someone b/c in the end they turn the other cheek when you're the one in trouble. anyway, i've come to respect my family more... which is my next point.
through the thick and thin, my family has been there for me. this sounds obvious and cliche but i dont care if it does because its true. watching my own father drive me down and back up from court for the ticket, i have seen his love. by my side as i cried, shaking from terror, he defended me and paid for my own stupidity without a complaint. he waited patiently for me to file my papers away with the lawyer and court services, offering to buy lunch. coming back down, he and i laughed about how foolish my younger brother and mother was and other stupid things. but he also opened up to me about his views on his marriage with my mother, and the things he thought about why certain things were the way they were. past his flaws as a father and husband, he is someone i love dearly. as well as my parents' individual characters, their marriage is slowly unfolding before my eyes, and has been over the years. hearing my mother's, and now my father's side, i am beginning to learn "what not to do" in a marriage. their mistakes are what i learn from. i dont personally see this as a bad thing, although i do feel pity and sadness for what they both feel. but both being as stubborn and bitter towards the other, i have learned much from them, despite the fact that they wouldn't really be proud of themselves.
i've also learned about boys this summer. how exciting. i have come to learn how fickle and quick-to-change they are in their hearts. even with the cream-of-the-crop to the lowest-of-lows, deep down, they are all the same. everyone of them. dont know what else to say, because its just a fact of life. anyway, i've learned to somewhat give up the plans of life to God rather than trying to get things to come out my way. (emphasis on try) if God wants it that way, so be it. honestly, not like i have a choice anyway. but overall, God knows whats best. but i decided and insisted on learning the hard way. in the end, again being hurt, only myself to blame.
predestination was also a huge thing i learned about. for years i was taught that God loved all. for years i thought that we, as individuals, had a choice to accept God. but i was wrong this whole time. God accepts and chooses US. we have such a self-righteous view of the relationship, that God loves us all, that he forgives us and will love us equally. wrong. God chooses who he loves, and chooses who he wants to save. why? i asked that many times and an a definite answer could not be given. but a guess could, and that was that in the end, it glorified God more when not all were saved. not understanding this and being shaken in what i had been taught for years, i saw this as selfish. now i see and realize that as people that were destined for Hell anyway, God was merciful enough to save some and that we must glorify and worship Him for all that He has done for us. this topic still does fascinate me and is confusing, but i must say that it is a huge step towards learning more about God. my new pastor is opening up those doors for me. i believe that God sent him for an important purpose and i see him as a good way of learning more. along with all that im learning and trying to sort into a way i can understand, i am also teaching sunday school for the children's ministry. its only been a few weeks and the kindergarten can be a handful but what a joy they are to see on a sunday morning. im still contemplating whether God wants me to be involved with youth group as well.... im glad i stayed with kpcw. wonder what more God has in store.
yesterday i went with sarah to tech. she moved in and got settled in and after spending the night and coming home today, i have finally realized that she is gone. maybe not gone from the face of the earth but gone from interacting in my daily life. this sadness is far more different than what i felt when i helped sumi move into jmu for the first time. this has had a bigger impact. i feel that sarah has taken a piece of my heart along with her. although i have to admit that she has gotten on my nerves a few times, but im sure i havent been easy to deal with. its just that she has understood my every feelings this year and listening to one another for about a year... she understands me the way no one else does. but what i dont really understand is why God put her in my life, and then took her away. i miss her terribly even though i can just call her. i've been on the edge of crying for these past few days but nothing has come yet. funny how when we first met, she thought i was a quiet dork and i thought she was a small meanie.... little did we know how much of an effect we would have on the other in less than a year. i miss her.
im very excited for this upcoming semester. i want to learn! i want to work hard and open myself to new things... new people. im growing different everyday.
im sure that theres much more that i've learned this summer but i cant really think of much more at this moment. my summer list has once more, failed. the only book i read was "the reader" and i've tried reading "catch-22" but its still difficult b/c of my short attention span (what ever happened to my love for reading constantly) and i have yet to learn the guitar (still want to learn it badly). but i have watched many different movies this summer and finally had my jaw surgery. my new hobby is star gazing.... i feel so small yet its an amazing thing that God created. never in a lifetime will i get sick of it. how amazing He truly is.
starting the new hostess job at Sweetwater Tavern, i was immensely excited and proud of myself for even landing the position (although i had applied as a waitress, not realistic, i know) but with all that training and learning for the job, i began to realize that this job would not be as easy as i had expected. guests all had different responses and expectations, it was difficult to cater to all of them and still be on top of the game. rushing around the restaurant, doing all that the managers demanded while juggling all that was a hostess' responsibility, everyone expected everyone else to have a cheerful smile and graceful response to everything while chaos flew at every direction. although it has been a few months into the job, none of this has changed. the people i work with, are another story in of itself. i do realize that everyone comes from different situations and backgrounds, but never had i felt so out of place. the term "lame," comes to play when i see myself in the midst of the hostessing team, let alone, the swt employees. after work, the little alliances formed during work lead to drunken nights or chances to get high with one another. i dont want to do what they do, but i hate feeling so boring and awkward. my coworkers, only a few years older, have kids already, many whom aren't even married. i have nothing against these people but joy is not what i feel when i think of when i come into work. "smile, why aren't you smiling?" is what i hear everyday. how in the hell do you expect someone to smile 24/7. stop making these stupid "contests" to see how many guests we can get to know on a personal basis. quit with the "plus ones" and for the love of God, let me do my job in peace. managers? don't give a crap about you unless their specific responsibilities deal with you. they could care less. i've realized from working at swt, that i do not fit in a position where millions of other employees work. being in a small, personal work group is my cup of tea. not a job where you have to introduce yourself to others multiple times because they cant remember due to the number of others that work there, or the fact that they just dont care enough to remember.
i've also learned that there is a line you need to keep for yourself when dealing with friends. through the reckless ticket, i've realized that i have crossed that line too many times, and now that it has come to bite me back in the ass, i've waken up to reality.... in the end, no one gives a rat's ass about you. doesn't matter how huge of a favor you do for someone b/c in the end they turn the other cheek when you're the one in trouble. anyway, i've come to respect my family more... which is my next point.
through the thick and thin, my family has been there for me. this sounds obvious and cliche but i dont care if it does because its true. watching my own father drive me down and back up from court for the ticket, i have seen his love. by my side as i cried, shaking from terror, he defended me and paid for my own stupidity without a complaint. he waited patiently for me to file my papers away with the lawyer and court services, offering to buy lunch. coming back down, he and i laughed about how foolish my younger brother and mother was and other stupid things. but he also opened up to me about his views on his marriage with my mother, and the things he thought about why certain things were the way they were. past his flaws as a father and husband, he is someone i love dearly. as well as my parents' individual characters, their marriage is slowly unfolding before my eyes, and has been over the years. hearing my mother's, and now my father's side, i am beginning to learn "what not to do" in a marriage. their mistakes are what i learn from. i dont personally see this as a bad thing, although i do feel pity and sadness for what they both feel. but both being as stubborn and bitter towards the other, i have learned much from them, despite the fact that they wouldn't really be proud of themselves.
i've also learned about boys this summer. how exciting. i have come to learn how fickle and quick-to-change they are in their hearts. even with the cream-of-the-crop to the lowest-of-lows, deep down, they are all the same. everyone of them. dont know what else to say, because its just a fact of life. anyway, i've learned to somewhat give up the plans of life to God rather than trying to get things to come out my way. (emphasis on try) if God wants it that way, so be it. honestly, not like i have a choice anyway. but overall, God knows whats best. but i decided and insisted on learning the hard way. in the end, again being hurt, only myself to blame.
predestination was also a huge thing i learned about. for years i was taught that God loved all. for years i thought that we, as individuals, had a choice to accept God. but i was wrong this whole time. God accepts and chooses US. we have such a self-righteous view of the relationship, that God loves us all, that he forgives us and will love us equally. wrong. God chooses who he loves, and chooses who he wants to save. why? i asked that many times and an a definite answer could not be given. but a guess could, and that was that in the end, it glorified God more when not all were saved. not understanding this and being shaken in what i had been taught for years, i saw this as selfish. now i see and realize that as people that were destined for Hell anyway, God was merciful enough to save some and that we must glorify and worship Him for all that He has done for us. this topic still does fascinate me and is confusing, but i must say that it is a huge step towards learning more about God. my new pastor is opening up those doors for me. i believe that God sent him for an important purpose and i see him as a good way of learning more. along with all that im learning and trying to sort into a way i can understand, i am also teaching sunday school for the children's ministry. its only been a few weeks and the kindergarten can be a handful but what a joy they are to see on a sunday morning. im still contemplating whether God wants me to be involved with youth group as well.... im glad i stayed with kpcw. wonder what more God has in store.
yesterday i went with sarah to tech. she moved in and got settled in and after spending the night and coming home today, i have finally realized that she is gone. maybe not gone from the face of the earth but gone from interacting in my daily life. this sadness is far more different than what i felt when i helped sumi move into jmu for the first time. this has had a bigger impact. i feel that sarah has taken a piece of my heart along with her. although i have to admit that she has gotten on my nerves a few times, but im sure i havent been easy to deal with. its just that she has understood my every feelings this year and listening to one another for about a year... she understands me the way no one else does. but what i dont really understand is why God put her in my life, and then took her away. i miss her terribly even though i can just call her. i've been on the edge of crying for these past few days but nothing has come yet. funny how when we first met, she thought i was a quiet dork and i thought she was a small meanie.... little did we know how much of an effect we would have on the other in less than a year. i miss her.
im very excited for this upcoming semester. i want to learn! i want to work hard and open myself to new things... new people. im growing different everyday.
im sure that theres much more that i've learned this summer but i cant really think of much more at this moment. my summer list has once more, failed. the only book i read was "the reader" and i've tried reading "catch-22" but its still difficult b/c of my short attention span (what ever happened to my love for reading constantly) and i have yet to learn the guitar (still want to learn it badly). but i have watched many different movies this summer and finally had my jaw surgery. my new hobby is star gazing.... i feel so small yet its an amazing thing that God created. never in a lifetime will i get sick of it. how amazing He truly is.
morning
sunrise
open my eyes
and i can tell it's gonna be a good day
i can tell it's gonna be a good day
-priscilla ahn
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Million Dollar Baby
i just watched this a few minutes ago... and i must say, it is one of the saddest movies i've ever seen. I saw a part of the movie a few years back and watching the whole thing finally, i can see why it was a big deal when it first came out. there is so much heartache and sorrow from this film, i couldnt help but cry a couple times (i dont normally cry much while watching things). it made me wonder though... if we are told that we will go straight to Hell for committing suicide... would what happened at the end be considered suicide and call for the same consequences? would it be a right way of living your life if you were prisoned in your own body, unable to move, breathe on your own... unable to do a single thing on your own? I dont know what i would do if were in Maggie's position. spend all of my life lying there waiting for my death, slowly dying... and killing the hearts of those around me? could i handle it? or would Hell be my other option?
sad but bittersweet ending, maybe? anyway... a very good film.
sad but bittersweet ending, maybe? anyway... a very good film.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
HALLELUJAH!
so yesterday... D-Day... which is finally over! thank the LORD!
so my dad and i left the house at 6:30am and arrived at Staunton, VA at around 8:30am. we were to meet my lawyer at 9:30 and my court time was at 10:30. we had some time before the actual thing started so my dad drove around downtown for 15min. the town was tiny but very quaint. the buildings looked nice but i would say only so because this town probably because of all the money they make off of speeding tickets. (darn them) anyway i was super sick to my stomach and felt like vomiting every time i thought of standing in front of the court... which was often. nervous and shaking i finally sat in one of the benches waiting for my case to be heard. it felt like a million years had passed when i finally heard my name called. i was incredibly quiet when speaking, i couldnt bring myself to speak any louder b/c i was so terrified. they were asking questions and all looking at me, i started to feel the tears brimming in my eyes as i spoke, trembling in my shoes. i couldnt help but cry, and every second those tears dropped, i cursed myself for looking like such a baby and a wimp. i felt embarrassed but nothing could've stopped me. they discussed how they could give me 30 days in jail but the cop wanted 15 days of jail time, a fine of $1500, and a suspended license. my lawyer asked for a lesser charge and the judge finally concluded my sentence to a fine of $571 (amazingly low), 150 hours of community service (limited choices), and a 6-month restricted license (only from and to work, school, medical). i praise God and am SO thankful for all those who prayed for me. God is great.
when i got home which was 4:30pm, my dad and i passed out... me from exhaustion of stress and nerves, him from driving and worry. now i am very limited in my schedule and have been reduced to a high-school student with no license. but overall, i am grateful.
*p.s. random note, baking blogs are incredible... not to mention the cupcake ones. <3
so my dad and i left the house at 6:30am and arrived at Staunton, VA at around 8:30am. we were to meet my lawyer at 9:30 and my court time was at 10:30. we had some time before the actual thing started so my dad drove around downtown for 15min. the town was tiny but very quaint. the buildings looked nice but i would say only so because this town probably because of all the money they make off of speeding tickets. (darn them) anyway i was super sick to my stomach and felt like vomiting every time i thought of standing in front of the court... which was often. nervous and shaking i finally sat in one of the benches waiting for my case to be heard. it felt like a million years had passed when i finally heard my name called. i was incredibly quiet when speaking, i couldnt bring myself to speak any louder b/c i was so terrified. they were asking questions and all looking at me, i started to feel the tears brimming in my eyes as i spoke, trembling in my shoes. i couldnt help but cry, and every second those tears dropped, i cursed myself for looking like such a baby and a wimp. i felt embarrassed but nothing could've stopped me. they discussed how they could give me 30 days in jail but the cop wanted 15 days of jail time, a fine of $1500, and a suspended license. my lawyer asked for a lesser charge and the judge finally concluded my sentence to a fine of $571 (amazingly low), 150 hours of community service (limited choices), and a 6-month restricted license (only from and to work, school, medical). i praise God and am SO thankful for all those who prayed for me. God is great.
when i got home which was 4:30pm, my dad and i passed out... me from exhaustion of stress and nerves, him from driving and worry. now i am very limited in my schedule and have been reduced to a high-school student with no license. but overall, i am grateful.
*p.s. random note, baking blogs are incredible... not to mention the cupcake ones. <3
Thursday, August 6, 2009
its finally here...
i am incredibly stressed and scared right now. today i have a court appearance in augusta county for a speeding violation of wreckless driving. never in my life have i been this terrified. i keep wanting to cry and hide in a corner like a baby. but it wont help of course. my lawyer keeps saying how there is a high possibility that i may spend a few days in jail. JAIL. not to mention that my lawyer is somewhat of a dumbass from the few times i've talked to her on the phone as well as the insanely high fee charged along with a very likely suspended liscense. are you joking? please tell me you are. i dont know what to expect. i acknowledge and am fully aware of how terrible my offense was and am forever changed b/c of the consequences and experiences i have faced through this all. i fear speeding now. but none of it matters. nothing i feel right now or have changed really matters in fact. i know God is watching over me but i cant help but fear the worst.
today is finally here. God, i beg of you, please be with me.
today is finally here. God, i beg of you, please be with me.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
beauty
ever since i was a little girl, i've always seen everyone as beautiful. thin, thick, petite, plus-size, blonde, brunette, redhead, green, blue, hazel eyes.... everything had a unique elegance and appeal to me. its funny how much i adore and marvel over the appearance of others while i find myself to be boring, curve-less, chubby, and just "blah." but thats just how my mind works.
a friend commented on how weird it was that i enjoyed "people watching." i love watching people in-the-act and totally and utterly unaware of being considered the focus of my attention. the way people move, with grace or clumsiness; walk, strut or glide; different mannerisms, the biting of the nails, the constant tucking back the hair behind the ear... i may be considered "creepy" or a freak for watching and enjoying seeing normal, everyday things... but it fascinates and catches my interest. i especially enjoy watching women. the female form has always been something i've admired. no matter what body type... the curves, lines, and physique is something to be appreciated. the tangle of hair, the fluttering eyelashes, pink lips, rosy cheeks, soft tender skin.... i really do think God made a work of art.
a friend commented on how weird it was that i enjoyed "people watching." i love watching people in-the-act and totally and utterly unaware of being considered the focus of my attention. the way people move, with grace or clumsiness; walk, strut or glide; different mannerisms, the biting of the nails, the constant tucking back the hair behind the ear... i may be considered "creepy" or a freak for watching and enjoying seeing normal, everyday things... but it fascinates and catches my interest. i especially enjoy watching women. the female form has always been something i've admired. no matter what body type... the curves, lines, and physique is something to be appreciated. the tangle of hair, the fluttering eyelashes, pink lips, rosy cheeks, soft tender skin.... i really do think God made a work of art.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
so excited!
so today.... or yesterday night,
one of my best friends began a relationship!!!
i dont know why but i am uber excited. hahaha
so lame and dorky and no idea why but im so
hyped. its amazingly cute and i know this guy
will treat her well. ahaha sighhhhhhhhh....
i realize that i sound a bit crazy right now.
i mean... im not even the one in the relationship.
haha but it doesnt matter. :O) oh so cute!
and she said this to me a little earlier...
"although i am 'going out' with him, doesn't
mean i love you any less. i love you more than
i can love him or like him for this case
sigh... this made my heart happy. i am content
with where this is all going. :) may God bless
their new relationship...
i do realize how pointless and boring this post
is but i dont care! :D
one of my best friends began a relationship!!!
i dont know why but i am uber excited. hahaha
so lame and dorky and no idea why but im so
hyped. its amazingly cute and i know this guy
will treat her well. ahaha sighhhhhhhhh....
i realize that i sound a bit crazy right now.
i mean... im not even the one in the relationship.
haha but it doesnt matter. :O) oh so cute!
and she said this to me a little earlier...
"although i am 'going out' with him, doesn't
mean i love you any less. i love you more than
i can love him or like him for this case
HAHAHAHA"
sigh... this made my heart happy. i am content
with where this is all going. :) may God bless
their new relationship...
i do realize how pointless and boring this post
is but i dont care! :D
Friday, July 24, 2009
so far...
so i have just had my jaw surgery this past monday (July 20th) at exactly 4:00pm at Reston Hospital, only breaking and realigning my bottom jaw to correct my bite. i knocked out so fast when they gave me the anesthesia, i wasnt even able to stay awake for them to move the bed out the room. I work up after what seemed to be seconds, groggy and unable to open my eyes too well. everything felt heavy. by then it was around 9:oopm.
it is now saturday, about 5 days after the surgery. the past few days were the pretty tough due to the peak of the swelling after the surgery. i literally looked like i gained 10 pounds just on my face. even slightly brushing my fingers on the lower part of my face resulted in pain. i had a terrible sore throat (most likely b/c of breathing tube/anethesia) and kept spitting up blood and constantly felt nauseous and dizzy. I had never been so tired in my life.... lately i have been sleeping 3/4 of the day. im guessing the meds have been making me exhausted. but anywho... heres a video i made to update on whats been going on so far.
ive been watching a couple videos on youtube on particular jaw surgeries and
found that the user, "jealousybust" had the best series of his personal experience
with the operation. unlike others, he was very devoted in posting almost everyday
and explaining what was going on. :) i think he was the best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBkhHwzyEYU&NR=1
it is now saturday, about 5 days after the surgery. the past few days were the pretty tough due to the peak of the swelling after the surgery. i literally looked like i gained 10 pounds just on my face. even slightly brushing my fingers on the lower part of my face resulted in pain. i had a terrible sore throat (most likely b/c of breathing tube/anethesia) and kept spitting up blood and constantly felt nauseous and dizzy. I had never been so tired in my life.... lately i have been sleeping 3/4 of the day. im guessing the meds have been making me exhausted. but anywho... heres a video i made to update on whats been going on so far.
ive been watching a couple videos on youtube on particular jaw surgeries and
found that the user, "jealousybust" had the best series of his personal experience
with the operation. unlike others, he was very devoted in posting almost everyday
and explaining what was going on. :) i think he was the best.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBkhHwzyEYU&NR=1
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
a few things that make life sweeter...
+ orville redenbacher kettle corn
+ blue skies decorated with pure white, fluffy clouds
+ picture perfect scenes
+ priscilla ahn
+ a calm summer breeze cooling the back of your warm neck
+ quality cheesecake..... yum
+ ice cold water
+ a good hair days (pimple-free days are just as awesome)
+ the quiet strumming of a guitar
+ sunbathing on the carpet with your old trusty dog
+ reading the day away on your cool bed
... thank you God. :)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
i've had so many times where i wanted to write and post a blog but wow, i am incredibly lazy. either i think about all these things i want to say, and then fall asleep before i actually open my laptop, or i sit there in front of the screen not knowing which certain thought i should blog about. blogging is hard.
so lately i've been going out, doing errands, meeting people, working... but even with all that, i have begun to spend a lot of time by myself, pondering and thinking. this past week i've sat outside at night, twice, when the sky was dark and clear, but full of scattered stars. with the heat of the sun gone, replaced by a calm cool breeze, looking up at the sky above me made me realize how insignificant i am. i am only aware of the things that surround me that moment, while millions of things that i had no idea about was happening that exact minute. with God controlling everything in this universe, i was amazed at how he still came to acknowledge that I, smaller than a speck of dust in His creation, existed at all.
i was also running this past week in the neighborhood (the private driveway for the estates) and pacing in the beat and rhythm of whatever song i was listening to, i took in the glorious sunset in front of me as my feet hit the graveled ground one by one. i saw so many random animals during my run, i felt that i was in a Snow White movie. There were bunnies, deer, and birds everywhere as i ran on the track, staring at me and not moving at all until i passed. i think the beauty of nature is what brings me back to thinking about how huge God is and how amazing He is in His power.
theres my random useless shpiel.
but then again, isn't that what blogspot is for? :)
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
lately i have been feeling God gently tugging at my heart. slowly am i starting to realize that i cant control my future and how my life will be run. trying to take it and push everything the way i want it only stresses myself out more than i already am. why do i continue to make things so much more difficult than it really is when all i have to do is surrender it all up to God Himself?
the other day i was reading a daily devotional on purity for young women and a quote was brought up by eliabeth elliott; "the world is full of noise. let us learn the art of silence, stillness, and solitude." constantly are we surrounded by noise, whether if we're in the car blasting the radio, in our houses with the tv on for background noise, or simply talking, talking, talking. we never l i s t e n . sometimes instead of trying to talk to God during prayers, we need to sit there and listen. God may not say anything directly or have you her his booming voice from the clouds above but it is a good change in pace. give him the time and place to touch your heart.
some other quotes or verses i liked as i read on were...
-"the ones who does not love God does not know God, because God is love." (1 John 4:8 HCSB)
-"knowing God is self-control. self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness." (2 Peter 1:6 NLT)
"slowly and surely, we learn the great secret of life, which is to know God." (Oswald Chambers)
God, i pray that you take away my burdens and replace it with peace in my heart...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Realizing
i've learned so much about myself this year. after going to college, i feel like God has worked with me in so many ways through the people i've met and the struggles i've faced. for so long i've wondered what made me different from others. people say that God gives you a gift that is unlike others and for years i've wondered what that gift was. i feel that this year i've finally realized what it is. to explain simply, it is the ability to listen to those. its not just listening to whatever is coming out of a persons mouth, but to hear and understand what that person is going through and feeling. it has made me open my eyes to the different things people deal with, and how i perceive people in general. although its nice to know that people come to me for me to lend an ear and share their issues, moreover, its been amazing to hear and listen, growing from what i've heard and being able to process who i am as well. it may not be much, but i'd like to think its something!
on a different note, i hope (and pray to God) that i will never grow up to be like my mother. i swore as a kid that i would be nothing like her. i've been recently told that i've started to imitate certain characteristics of her, and that scares me out of my wits. my mother-like nagging, my expectations of people, and sometimes my temper.... im terrified.... help me God.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Gratitude
the simplest things are what make you realize how lucky you are to have the life you live today. many times i overlook the things God has given me, education, family, friends, a spiritual life with him...
going to work after church and coming home at around 9:30, i was exhausted from running around, on my feet and smiling in a gracious manner for more than 5 hours. my mom was home to greet me and whipped up some nehgmyun as i lay slumped on the couch. listening to her ramble on about how the house bible study went, i realized that no one in the world would love me as much as my own mother did. always hearing her nag and beat me down with her yelling before, it was always hard to see my mother as loving. but seeing her bent over the noodles in the sink, i saw her soft interior. my dad lets me do a lot of things on my own, trusting that i will make the best judgement i can possibly make. they both allow me to enjoy my youth, being free as a college student and always there when i need something. even being able to drive my own car is a gift and blessing. did i do something for me to gain these things?
at service today (or actually yesterday), the sermon was focused on how God chose us, with predestination, chose those would be saved and those who wouldn't. it really caught me off guard because for the longest time, i believed that as children of God, we had the choice and freewill to have a relationship with Him. so instead of me choosing God, God chose me first. although this is a sorrowful fact about those who are lost, it is amazing and bone-chilling how I was chosen by God. how in the world was someone like myself chosen by God, Himself? the pastor went on to say that it isn't by what you have done to be chosen, but by God's own mercy. it is a tricky and difficult idea to struggle with, but definitely something that makes you think and wonder about who God is.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
meaningless?
what brings you happiness?
is it being ensured a high-paying, stable job? is it having a home with a four-door garage, indoor racquet-ball court, and outdoor pool complete with a slide from the second floor? is it having everyone know your name, and millions of friends on facebook?
as good ol' Solomon would say, "Meaningless! Meaningless!.... Utterly Meaningless! Everything is meaningless." (Ecclesiastes). He goes on to speak about how meaningless wisdom, pleasures, and toils are, and many times its really difficult to remember that in the materialistic and superficial world we live in today.
why do we go always go to the mall when there seems to be nothing else to do? is there really nothing better for us to do than to spend money? do we really need to buy that scarf? it'll only add on to the collection of scarves we have stashed away in our closets. new shoes? new pants? new shirt? all will fade away into the past when the next season's fashion comes around. we get stuck in a cycle as the world keeps telling us that it is all worth investing our money and time in. slowly i am starting to see that many things in life truly do not matter. what matters is how you spend your time on earth glorifying God. We need to start having a mentality that is focused on spiritual hunger rather than worldly. will the newest Christian Louboutin heels get you into heaven? I think not.
just something i wanted to write about before i go off to work.
boo.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Tick... Tock...
The longest day ever?.....
would have you spending
all day inside on a beautiful,
sunny, and bright sunday
all for an 8 hour driver
improvement clinic class,
with one crazy anal
instructor who always wants
to win every argument.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Your Prime Time
so, its been a while since i first started this thing.... and yet nothing has been written on my blog. i just can't think of something decent to write about! well anyway, here is an attempt to blog about one of the many things i ponder about.i keep looking up at the mirror next to me as i sit here in front of the computer. staring back at myself i see all the horrors that a lighted makeup mirror could bring. all those blackheads, random stands of random tiny hairs, blemishes, uneven skin tone.... and pleasant thoughts do not come to mind when i think of the rest of my body as a whole. i just recently looked through a magazine that featured faith hill on the cover, rocking her well-toned body in a tiny bikini at the age of 42 with 3 kids. if people consider your early 20s to be your prime, what does that say about my prime? If my prime time resembles what i look like these days, then i think im screwed. this depressed me quite a bit. what am i going to be like in my late 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s if i make it with the lifestyle i live now? after your early 20s, it gets all downhill from there. what do we doooooooooooooooooooooo???
i think i need to start off by caring more about what i put my body through. more control on the eating and exercising would definitely help. believe it or not, i often choose the medium rare cheeseburger with crispy french fries rather than a mixed green salad with only a light drizzle of balsamic vinegar. and maybe running around the neighborhood a few times a week would be good too, instead of always counting on lying on the floor promising myself that i won't eat so that i don't have to move to burn the extra calories.
a little spf wouldn't hurt either. you have no idea how much the sun can damage your skin. vitamin D and tanning to get that perfect sun-kissed glow maybe wonderful but at the cost of skin cancer? i think not.
i've never really found it all that important to go to the gym or care too much about eating and exercising. many of my friends who actually do these things do it because they feel pressured by things like SNSD and diet away their lives. i've always believed in living life to enjoy the things you have, not stressing over impressing others. but nowadays, i feel the need to care a little more and limit myself from happiness. but you know, in the end its all for the better and it glorifies God with the body he has given you.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Blogs! Oh How I Missed Thee...
hello mr. blog,
i havent seen you since those ol' days of xanga!
oh how i've missed you, wasting away those
hours so quickly just to type up everything
that passed through my head.
welcome back old friend. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)